Playing the part of the evil greedy gold-grubbing pirate La Roche (which means "The Rock"¹) is certainly NOT one of Sir Christopher Lee's most famous roles. That's probably because the kids who had seen him star as Dracula, Kharis the Mummy, the Frankenstein monster, Sir Henry Baskerville,² or even as a pompous murderous art critic, simply didn't recognize him when they plopped down their 50¢³ to watch the Saturday matinee The Pirates of Blood River.

More than one critic has pointed out that The Pirates of Blood River is a strange motion picture. After all you have a pirate movie - but there's no pirate ship, for crying out loud! Or rather we only see the ship during the opening credits. All the action is on land.

Or rather mostly on land. There's some action on the river which we assume is the Blood River in the title. We soon see that the river has acquired its name for good reason.

WARNING!!!!!

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!

The movie starts out with a screen blurb explaining that the show is about the Huguenots. These were a Protestant sect who left France due to religious persecutions of the 16th Century.

The scene then cuts to a strapping young swain named Jonathon Standing (Kerwin Matthews - Sinbad in The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad) playfully chasing a comely young lady through a rather marshy forest. The only trouble is that although the lady, Maggie Mason (played by the uncredited Marie Devereux), is obviously enjoying being pursued, she is married to someone else.

Suddenly the leaders of the village show up. These include Maggie's rather elderly, grizzled, and (as we learn) mean and brutal husband, Godfrey (Jack Stewart), as well as Jonathan's father, Jason (Andrew Keir). Why the heck French Huguenots all have British names is never really explained.

Whatever their names, the newcomers spoil much of the fun particularly after they arrest Jonathon for adultery. Maggie, though, manages to flee. Although she's wearing a voluminous full length dress, she jumps into the river and tries to swim away.

But suddenly there appears a wave of ripples on the water together with some chirping sound effects. And the ripples are moving in Maggie's direction!

So that even the least knowledgeable of the viewers will know what's going on, Jonathan exclaims "Piranha!"⁴ Sure enough, after some thrashing around in the water which rapidly turns red, Maggie disappears beneath the surface and was presumably eaten up. Jonathan's dad and Maggie's husband show little sympathy and say that her getting eaten by piranhas was God's Judgement and His Will was done. Jonathan is hauled away to stand trial.

It turns out that Jonathan's dad is the Lord High Everything of the village which was founded by his own grandfather, Simeon Standing. About a hundred years ago Simeon had led a congregation of Huguenots from France to what we now deduce is probably Brazil. Simeon is memorialized by a rather stern looking and larger than life painted statue in the combined council hall/church. But instead of setting up a democracy where people can worship as they please, surprise! surprise!, the elders have set up a religious theocracy and dictatorship.

Everyone in the village has gathered to hear the verdict. Henry (we don't know his last name and who is played by Glenn Corbett) is married to Jonathon's sister, Bess (Marla Landi). He sadly tells her that the verdict is a forgone conclusion. Sure enough, Jonathon's dad exercises his judicial authority and sentences Jonathon to 15 years in the settlement's penal colony.

The sentence, Jason points out, is an act of mercy since breaking any of the Ten Commandments is a capital offense. By committing adultery Jonathon had broken the 7th Commandment. But even if - as Jason protested - he had not committed adultery in actual deed, it's pretty clear he broke the 10th commandment which says thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife - nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass.

But when the verdict is announced there is considerable disorder in the court and vocal objections from everyone. It seems that the villagers admire Jonathan and hoped he'd take over from his dad and restore liberty and freedom. But fifteen years in the penal colony is the equivalent of a death sentence as Bess reminds her dad in a manner that violates the 5th Commandment.

As you expect the penal colony is no summer camp - pas une colonie des vacances. Prisoners are routinely manhandled and flailed and treated most discourteously. Their food is a little bread and dirty water, and sometimes it's not even full rations.

Because of his high born family, Jonathan is harangued mercilessly. At one point he got tired of the taunts and he threw his food bowl into the face of a guard. Bad move, Jonathon. Not only does he get no supper, but he ends up getting hung up by his thumbs where his toes barely scrape the ground.

The penal colony seems mostly to serve as a rock quarry although no one in the village seems to use the stones since the buildings and the palisade are all made of wood. Then as Jonathon and an elderly prisoner are pushing a loaded cart along the ridge of the quarry, a guard strikes Jonathon for not moving fast enough. Having all he can stand and he can't stand no more, Jonathon looses his temper and knocks the guard off the cliff and down into the quarry. The other guards start shooting and Jonathon and his fellow prisoner heave the cart into the quarry to hinder the chase.

With - literally - bloodhounds on their track, Jonathan and the prisoner flee. Then after his companion drops dead of exhaustion, Jonathan heads out on his own into the swamps. Two guards see him swimming away and fire their guns. With satisfaction they watch as Jonathan sinks beneath the water. Convinced there's now one less prisoner to guard, they leave.

As you might guess Jonathan is still alive with the inevitable "it's only my shoulder" wound. But as he crawls out of the water, he's discovered by a band of pirates - after all the movie is called The Pirates of Blood River. It seems the pirates are no more courteous than the prison guards and with many a sneer and a jeer, they take Jonathon to see their captain.

Who is of course La Roche (Christopher Lee). And here we see it's not quite correct to say there's no ship in the movie. There's a nice matte shot of the ship as the pirates ferry Jonathon over and then we see La Roche sitting at a rather well stocked table eating his lunch in an improbably spacious cabin. He questions Jonathon as to who he is and what he was doing in the swamp. Some critics comment on Christopher's French accent although it's a French accent of someone who's spent a lot of time in England.

Despite his eyepatch and a bad left arm, La Roche is seemingly a refined and courteous fellow. After getting some basic information about the settlement and who lives there, he says in return for helping the pirates establish a safe haven on the island, he'll help Jonathon establish "just rule" in the village. When Jonathon seems hesitant to make a deal with a pirate, La Roche convincingly replies "You have my word.

The truth is La Roche has decided the prosperous Huguenots, despite Jonathan's protestation that everyone on the island is poor, must have a stash of gold hidden somewhere. That there are women in the settlement is, of course, one of the fringe benefits that La Roche didn't mention.

Things go along OK until Jonathon and the pirates get close to the village. Two of the men are scouting ahead and come upon a farmstead where Henry's sister-in-law, Margaret Blackthorne (Diane Aubrey in an uncredited role), and her mother are working in the yard. The pirates move in and try to have their way with the ladies. However, a few minutes before, Margaret's husband, Tom (played by an uncredited Desmond Llewelyn - yes, "Q" of the James Bond films) had just started riding toward the village. Then when he hears the ladies' screams, he rides back to the farm only to be killed by one of the pirates.

By that time the rest of the pirates and Jonathon have reached the house. When Jonathon protests that the pirates agreed to be peaceful, La Roche shrugs that things like that sometimes happen. But to show that he will not tolerate misbehavior, he tells the killer he should consider himself "severely reprimanded". That draws a belly laugh from the other pirates.

Jonathon now knows he's been duped. He says he'll have nothing more to do with La Roche and his men. La Roche, though, says he won't countenance such "mutiny" from Jonathon and orders his arms to bound. Everyone, including Jonathon, heads off to the village, leaving Margaret and her mom at the farm.

But Henry's nephew, Timothy, had been playing up in a tree and saw his father killed. His mother sends him off to his uncle's farm. After Henry learns what happens he rides back to Margaret and sends Timothy on horseback to warn the villagers. Since it seems a horse can run faster than pirates can walk, the settlers are armed and waiting when the pirates show up.

We have to admit it, Jonathon sometimes doesn't come off all that quick in uptake. Again La Roche - quote - "gives his word" - unquote - that if Jonathon arranges a truce, he'll let the settlers live. If not, he'll slaughter them all. Of course, even though Jonathon now has doubts about La Roche's trustworthiness, he agrees.

With two pirates as his guards, Jonathon walks to the palisade where the men of the settlement - fifteen in number compared to the thirty pirates - are lined up with muskets at the ready. Jonathon tells his dad to let the pirates in. Once they see there's no gold, he says, they'll leave.

Jonathon's dad hesitates, but Maggie's (ex-) husband doesn't go for it. He takes a potshot at Jonathon who with the guards high-tails it back to La Roche and the others. The pirates immediately attack the settlement and in the pitched battle that follows the villagers seem to be winning. It seems like it might be a short movie.

But the devious and unscrupulous La Roche had sent some of his men to circle around back where they can climb over the wall and take the women and children captive. When the pirates show up with the ladies and kids, the settlers see they have to give in.

La Roche then demands all their gold. Jonathon's dad refuses even to admit there's any treasure, but neither does he deny it (after all, you're not supposed to bear false witnesses against your neighbors). La Roche says all right, the pirates will hang two men each day they don't get the gold.

By now it finally sinks in to Jonathon that when the settlers arrived 100 years ago, they were wealthy. So why is everyone poor? Maybe La Roche is on to something.

While waiting for Jonathon's dad to cave in, night has fallen and the pirates start having a party complete with a barbecue. Even though La Roche speaks elegant English with his French/Anglican accent, his men use stereotypical "Ha! Ha! Me hearties!" pirate talk.

La Roche does seem to have some difficulty in controlling his men. One of them, a wiseacre named Mack (played by Michael Ripper), grumbles to the others how the Captain, like most business managers and executives, has other people do all the hard work while he sits around on his cul rouge rosé and claims ten times the loot as anyone else. Soon Mack starts making fun of the Captain and his bad eye. La Roche has enough and shoves him into a vat of wine punch. Mack gets up and leaves but we know he's going to cause trouble.

Back at the party, things gets rowdier as two of the men, the first mate Mr. Hench (Peter Arne), and a crew member named Brocaire (Oliver Reed), start arguing over Bess. La Roche tells them they have a way to settle disputes - a blindfolded sword fight. Needless to say the Force is with neither of the men and their flailings mostly end up trashing the place. After some time, though, and with a bit of audible subterfuge, Mr. Hench wins. The pirates now number 29.

At this point Henry shows up and frees Jonathon who had been tied up outside. Henry tells Jonathon that there really is a treasure and he learned about it from his dad. The settlers did indeed land on the island with lots of gold, but it's been hidden somewhere and only Jonathon's dad knows where it is.

Jonathon says he'll have to convince his father to give the pirates the gold so they'll go away. For some reason Jonathon still seems to think La Roche will keep his promises although the evidence seems against it.

By now, of course, Bess has been "given" to Mr. Hench But before Mr. Hench can enjoy some sport with his unwilling consort, Bess runs outside. There Jonathon calls to her from the darkness, and as she runs toward her brother, Henry jumps out from the shadows and chokes Mr. Hench to unconsciousness. Henry and Bess get away with a group of the settlers and most of the horses. Jonathon stays behind to rescue his dad.

But the pirates hear the ruckus as Henry and the others head out. They find Mr. Hench is groggy but alive. La Roche is not pleased about the escapes but still maintains that if the pirates are given the gold they will leave.

Jonathon says he'll talk to his dad. Of course Jonathon's dad says he'll reveal nothing. Just for good measure he says Jonathon is a disgrace to the Huguenots and he curses the day Jonathon was born.

By daybreak La Roche is getting tired of the Huguenot stubbornness. He summons everyone to the council chamber and announces that he thinks he knows where the gold is hidden. If he's right then no one will be hurt. But if he's wrong ... he leaves the words hanging.

La Roche has his men pull down the statue of Simeon - over the voluble protestations of Jonathon's dad - and has his men dig underneath the spot. But they come to bedrock without finding anything.

Finally fed up, La Roche says no one will be left alive. But Jonathan suddenly jumps to the now supine statue and with a knife scrapes off some of the paint. Underneath the gold gleams.

So the pirates agree to leave and take the gold statue - but La Roche modifies his conditions. He'll leave everyone unharmed but he will take two hostages, Jonathon and his dad. The pirates load the statue onto a cart and plan to get to the river. There they'll build a raft and float the gold statue to their ship.

Out in the jungle, Henry and the escaped settlers (with Bess safely in their midst) have set up a camp. Henry, who's the brainy one, devises a plan.

Plan A is to rescue Jonathon. So as the pirates are hauling the statue toward the river, Henry and the other men show up. Naturally there's a fight and Jonathon is rescued. But his dad refuses to leave the statue. Jonathan and Henry, though, are planning to get the gold back and bring the pirates to justice as well.

Now for Plan B. That's to whittle the pirate numbers down to parity with the settlers. So with Jonathon, Henry, and Bess watching from afar, La Roche and the rest (and Jonathon's dad) keep hauling the statue toward the river.

Suddenly the men at the front of the cart fall into a concealed pit full of spikes. Henry and the rest have really been busy. The pirates now know that more pits may have been dug, and they make Jonathon's dad lead the way. They don't come across any more spike-filled pits, but the cart was broken and the pirates now have to carry the statue on a makeshift litter.⁵

Suddenly trees start falling on the pirates. It's seems that Jonathon and the others are chopping trees down not just with amazing rapidity but with enough accuracy that the trees end up landing just where the pirates are running.

The pirates, now egged on by Mack, are getting irritated. They point out to La Roche that with a good chunk of their shipmates having been impaled or squashed, there's now more settlers than pirates. Since they'd rather stay alive than be rich, they're leaving the statue where it is and going back to the ship without it. It looks like a mutiny!

Of course, La Roche is a man who thinks direct action beats legislation. As his men walk away, he shoots one of them in the back and orders the others to pick up the statue. He points out that by the time they reach the river, the settlers will have killed even more of them and so there will be more gold for the survivors.

To everyone's surprise, Mack declares he'll stand by his Captain. To show his allegiance he pulls his gun and comes to La Roche's side. But then he then turns and sticks his gun into La Roche's ribs. Yes, he says, the men will build a raft and they'll take the statue to the ship. But, he sneers, they'll do it without La Roche. So they build the raft and get ready to float off with the statue.

Then suddenly Jonathan, Henry and the rest of the settlers attack! Some of the pirates jump on the raft but others, including Mack, Mr. Hench, and La Roche, are left behind. Realizing all is lost, Mack goes to the Captain and levels his gun saying he left one bullet just for this contingency. But he miscounted - not easy to do with a single shot flintlock pistol - and the gun clicks emptily. La Roche then takes care of Mack with a quick sword thrust.

As the raft with the few remaining pirates heads off down the river, Jonathon's dad jumps in the water and swims to the raft. It looks like he's trying to deliberately cut the statue loose so it will sink! Soon all the pirates end up in the river trying to keep the statue on the raft.

Back on shore we have the obligatory climactic sword fight that everyone expects in a pirate movie. Henry takes care of Mr. Hench, and La Roche finally gets his just desserts when Jonathon throws his sword so hard it transfixes him to a tree.

And the statue on the raft?

Just when you're expecting it the most and like the cavalry charge of the Old West, the piranhas return! Naturally they eat up everyone who's left in the water - which is all of the surviving pirates as well as Jonathon's dad. The gold statue sinks out of sight and Bess, Henry, and Jonathon head back to the village where we presume democracy and freedom were restored.

Pirates of Blood River like so many adventure films of the 50's and 60's, is good fun if you don't take it too seriously. As we expect, Christopher gives the best performance. Kerwin delivers his lines in a rather stylized manner but quite suitable for a good guy in a swords and swashbucklers movie. One of the actors, though - we won't mention who - delivers the lines with as much naturalness as Glenn Campbell did in the original True Grit movie.

The irony is that for all the talk about how strange it is for The Pirates of Blood River to be about pirates on land, the movie really depicts a modus piratandi that was quite common. From ancient times down to the Golden Age of Piracy (if we can call it such) a particular danger to cities, even if they were fairly far inland, was pirate raids. The pirates would - as did La Roche and his men - park their ships in a convenient cove and then come on-shore and loot the towns and the church coffers of their gold.

We mentioned that Desmond Llewelyn - "Q" of the James Bond films - had a part in the film. In fact Desmond isn't the only connection to Agent 007 and The Pirates of Blood River.

Just before the pirates arrive at the village, we see the master-at-arms (who's also in charge of the horses) handing out the weapons. The actor was Bob Simmons, who was the stunt supervisor in the James Bond films starting with Dr. No and ending with A View to a Kill. He was also the guy who you see in silhouette in the opening credits of Dr. No, From Russia With Love, and Goldfinger.

And of course, Christopher Lee was in The Man With the Golden Gun, the second James Bond film that starred Roger Moore. He played the villain Francisco (Paco) "Pistols" Scaramanga, an assassin for hire, who in the book was located in the Caribbean but in the movie had his headquarters near Hong Kong. In the novel, Scaramanga's preferred weapon is a gold plated .45 Colt revolver but in the movie Scaramanga employs a custom made gold single shot pistol since one shot was all that he ever needs.

Until he met James Bond, that is. But that, as they say, is another picture.

References and Further Reading

The Pirates of Blood River, Christopher Lee (actor), Kerwin Matthews (actor), Glenn Corbett (actor), Marla Landi (actor), Bob Simmons (actor), John Gilling (director), John Hunter (screenwriter), Jimmy Sangster (story), Anthony Nelson Keys (producer), Michael Carreras (executive producer), Hammer Films, 1962, Internet Movie Data Base.

Hammer Adventure: The Pirates of Blood River (1962) & The Devil-Ship Pirates (1964)", Classic Horrors Club, October 16, 2016.

"The Pirates of Blood River", Teleport City.

"La Roche History, Family Crest & Coats of Arms", House of Names.

"Christopher Lee", Internet Movie Data Base.

"A Documented List Of All Known Piranha Attacks [Piranha Victims]", Piranha Guide, May 5, 2019.

"The Average Movie Ticket Price Is Now $11", Tom Brueggemann, Indie Wire, October 4, 2022.

"Number of TV Sets in America: 1950-1978", The American Century.