Johnny Carson and The Tonight Show

It's hard for his fans to believe, but Johnny Carson's last Tonight Show appearance was in 1992. In other words there are millions and millions (to misquote Johnny misquoting Carl Sagan) of people who are fully adult who were not even born when Johnny went off the air.

Of course, you can buy various collections of the shows. And so the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson can now find a new generation of fans.

And what some of the new viewers have found surprises them. When they tune in to what is widely considered the epitome of 20th century entertainment - Johnny's famous monologues - they are surprised at how few of the jokes actually come off. There were some shows where literally joke after joke fell flat.

Of course, Johnny was usually able to turn a bad joke into a laugh. Even his announcer, Ed McMahon, said that was what Johnny really did best. But still even the old time fans might be surprised to go back and see how many of the jokes bombed.

Burbank's best known celebrity is the world famous inventor, Dr. Leopold Feckner. Dr. Feckner finally came up with a winning invention. It's a machine, a little device that turns off your TV set every time a Raleigh Hills Clinic commercial comes on.

Now tomorrow morning be sure [during the Tournament of Roses Parade] to catch the Radish Float. Then if you miss it, it repeats itself at 10, 2, and 4.

And there was an embarrassing incident on the [striking Los Angeles] Ram's [Football Team] picket line today. They handed a picket line [sic] to the wide receiver and he fumbled it.

We had a rough crowd last night. After the show they paid a Welcome Wagon visit to G. Gordon Liddy.

Even at the time these jokes didn't really come off. And today they're likely to be greeted not just with a groan, but with blank looks of incomprehension.

So we can see the problem with today's younger audiences. Much of the late night monologue humor - as it is today - was based on contemporary events. And there is nothing that fades quicker than topical humor.

And nothing makes a joke more incomprehensible than when it's a joke about a celebrity that no one remembers. Even with the advent of television - which you think would promote indefinite fame - we have celebrities that were household names that have now completely faded from the national consciousness. How many people today remember Hy Gardner, Eamonn Andrews, Faye Emerson, Robert Q. Lewis, June Allyson, Jean-Pierre Aumont, Gertrude Berg, or Quincy Howe?

Of course, there are jokes that were funny then and are funny now. Sometimes the corniest jokes got the biggest belly laughs. Once Johnny told how the biggest McDonald's in the world was going to open in Moscow, in the former Soviet Union.

Now the problem is over there there's a shortage of meat in Russia. So what they're thinking of doing is getting their own farm to grow the beef and they want to do it with a company called the East Independent Exporting Industrial Organization. That way they can say "Our MacDonald's has a farm, EIEIO"

And then we have ...

There was a story about a baseball umpire who was known for his mean personality and this spilled out into his family life. But finally he realized that he needed to change his ways. So when he got home he asked his son to come sit on his lap. But his son wouldn't do it. So we see that the son never sits on the brutish umpire.

And also ...

There was an Indian [Native American] chief who had three wives. Two of the wives' infants slept on robes made of buffalo hide. But the other child slept on a bed made from a hippopotamus hide. Naturally because of the rarity of the hippopotamus hide - which had to be imported from Africa - that meant that infant was considered equal to both of the others put together. And so we see that the son of the squaw on the hippopotamus was equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

One of Johnny's all-time favorite routines was "Carnac the Magnificent". This is where Johnny would put on an elaborate turban and cape and be introduced by Ed with words like:

We are honored tonight to have as our next guest the famous Visitor from the East, the famous seer, sage, and former towel washer at the House of Pies: Carnac the Magnificent!

Once "Carnac" was set up behind the desk, Ed would then bring out a pack of envelopes.

"I hold in my hand the envelopes. As a child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. They have been kept in a #2 mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one - but no one - knows the contents of these envelopes. But you, in your divine and borderline mystical way, will ascertain the answers to the questions without ever before having seen the questions!"

Then after some back and forth, Carnac would take the first envelope. He would hold it to his forehead, and "divine" the answer. He would then open the envelope and read the question.

And yes, one young reviewer found fault with these jokes as well. But then, that's to be expected. For instance, no one under 30 should be expected to get these jokes:

Answer:	Heaven can wait.
Question:	What did Oral Roberts say after he got the 8 million dollars?

Answer:	O'Hare.
Question:	How does Howard Cosell call his toupee?

Answer:	Ironware.
Question:	Describe Raymond Burr's undershorts.

Answer:	Natural gas.
Question:	What did Euell Gibbons give after eating a prune tree?

Answer:	A mule, a horse, and Billy Carter.
Question:	Name three things that go to the bathroom outdoors.

Some commentators have pointed out that the bombing of the jokes was often a function of the audience. Political humor requires a knowledge of contemporary events. If the audience isn't reading the papers or listening to the news, they won't understand the joke.

Jokes that stand up better (no joke intended) are those that trash the politicians in a more or less generic manner. That way the audience thinks you're talking about the politicians in the other party, not the one you voted for.

Answer:	Until he gets caught.
Question:	How long does a Congressman stay in office?

But the Carnac joke that got the biggest laugh - not only from the audience but from Ed and Johnny - was:

Answer:	Sis boom bah!
Question:	Describe the sound made when a sheep explodes.

On the other hand, it is known - but at the same time not really appreciated - that most established comedians do not write their own jokes. They have writers. Sure, the comedians have the final say in which jokes they use, but still the jokes are almost always written by someone else. In fact, a British comedian recently told a joke based on what was supposed to be actual history. When it later emerged the history was wrong, he grumped how he was being blamed when all he did was read a joke that was given to him in a script.

Johnny, though, did contribute to his monologues. He would start his day looking at the paper and jotting down possible jokes. And there was one time Johnny wrote a complete monologue. This was during a writer's strike in 1988. The show had been on hiatus for nine weeks and the audience had to be content with re-runs. But on the first night back, Johnny put together the jokes himself. One critic noticed that more of the jokes fell flatter than usual, although part of the problem was the events Johnny talked about were no longer current news.

Johnny was often the butt of a few jokes himself. He was chided not only about his high salary but also about the amount of time he took off. As he became more and more popular he negotiated deals which reduced his 5-nights-a-week, 90-minute show to 3-nights-a-week and 60 minutes. For the nights he was off, guest hosts stood in. One of the alternate hosts remarked how disconcerting it was to hear the audience groan when they learned Johnny would not be on.

It's pretty well-known that Johnny was what people call a complex individual. Some people remembered him as kind and generous. Others soured on his personality. In later years a number of people spoke rather negatively about who one famous entertainer called "a mean spirited human being" and later a tell-all book painted a most negative picture. But his longtime announcer, Ed McMahon, always spoke highly of Johnny.

Comedian Joan Rivers had been given her first national appearance on The Tonight Show and frequently took the desk when Johnny was on vacation. Later when Johnny negotiated his 3 day week schedule, she became the permanent guest host and presumably was in line for taking the helm whenever Johnny retired. But as the years rolled on, and Johnny gave no sign of stepping down, Joan decided to accept an offer to have her own talk show. This was on another network and opposite Johnny. When she called him later, he simply hung up.

The rift made no sense. After all, Joey Bishop also had a competing talk show for two years and during the Tonight Show time slot. In fact, during a contract dispute Johnny walked off the show for a few weeks. When he returned he deliberately choose not to do so on the Monday that coincided with Joey's first show. It wouldn't be fair to Joey, he said. And after Joey's show folded, he continued to be one of Johnny's Tonight Show guests for years afterward.

But Johnny never spoke to Joan again. For her part Joan never returned any animosity and even wrote Johnny a kind note of sympathy when his oldest son died in a car accident. Johnny's anger wasn't shared by the show's other cast. Joan remembered how after her banishment that Ed McMahon saw her in a restaurant and although knowing Johnny might be irritated came over to say hello.

In the first years of the show Johnny smoked on camera. Later - about the same time James Bond quit smoking in his films (that was in Diamonds are Forever) - he only smoked during the commercials. It was a life-long habit that he never gave up and he died in 2005 of emphysema.

References

"Whoooooooo's Johnny?", Richard Corliss, Time, January 25, 2005

"More Quotes from Carnac the Magnificent", Nightscribe's Web of Useful Links.

Johnny Carson: King of Late Night TV, American Masters, Eagle Rock Entertainment, Peter Jones Productions, 2012.

"Anyway, Heeere's Johnny", Tom Shales, Washington Post, May 13, 1988.

The Tonight Show, Johnny Carson (Actor), Ed McMahon (Actor).

"Heeeeeere's Ed!: 7 Memorable McMahon Moments", The Daily Beast, June 23, 2009.

"Wayne Newton: Johnny Carson 'Mean-Spirited'", Today, November 30, 2007.

"Joan Rivers: Why Johnny Carson 'Never Ever Spoke to Me Again', Joan Rivers, Hollywood Reporter, December 6, 2012.

"Johnny Carson: Why He Refused to Do Battle with Joey Bishop", Chicago Tribune, April 24, 1967.