Der Meisterzinger
von
Squarenburg

(Click on the image to zoom in.)

Hollywood Squares was a unique television program. It was broadcast for over four decades and went through the usual and multiple incarnations. But then it actually went off the air. Other quiz programs that originated in the Swinging Sixties or earlier - Concentration, The Price is Right, To Tell the Truth, You Bet Your Life, Let's Make a Deal, and, of course, Jeopardy! - are still on.

But despite the show now being in the historic past, few other programs have become such an integral part of American Culture, rivaling the importance of institutions like baseball, football, the Smithsonian Institution, the Declaration of Independence, the American Constitution and the Bill of Rights, and trips to see the Leaning Grain Elevator of Adams, Oklahoma (before it was pulled down). Jeopardy! remains its only rival.

What marked Hollywood Squares as unique was that the contestants didn't have to answer the question. Nine famous celebrities - not necessarily just from Hollywood - were arranged in a tic-tac-toe grid ("noughts and crosses" for our cousins) and the contestant simply selected one of the "stars" who provided an answer. The answer might be correct, inadvertently incorrect, or deliberately wrong - a "bluff" answer. The contestant just had to agree or disagree. Each time the contestant was correct they got $50. If they got three stars in a row - across, up-and-down, or diagonal - they won the game.

Because the contestant didn't answer the questions themselves, the show could be pointed to as a sign of America's deteriorating educational system. But the real reason for the "dumbed down" approach was that like You Bet Your Life (originally hosted by Groucho Marx), the program was really a comedy show designed on the format of a quiz program. That's because in addition to the "real answer" - right or wrong - the celebrity would often give a joke answer or joke response - the famous Hollywood Square "zingers". It was the joke answers that really got the viewers to tune in.

A typical question-and-answer might run like:

Question:	You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why?
Joke Answer:	It was a long plane ride.
Real Answer:	To see a performance of the famous traditional Japanese theater.

Because many of the joke answers were so funny and delivered so quickly, the controversy still exists whether the answers were scripted beforehand. When asked, most of the stars said no, and they could point out that after the scandals of the 1950's where some quiz show winners had been pre-determined, the network executives - and federal law - had adopted a tough policy against collusion.

Yet with the surprising success of the Hollywood Squares, the suspicion got so strong that at one point the executives were considering shutting the show down. Finally it was decided that during the show the announcer, Kenny Williams, or the host, Peter Marshall, would make a disclaimer that the stars were briefed on possible "bluff" answers but they were hearing the actual questions for the first time.

The disclaimer, though, raised yet another question. Just how was that possible? How can a bluff (or joke) answer be discussed without giving away the actual question? That's something we all have wondered about.

No doubt you have, as Captain Mephisto said to Sidney Brand. And it was Peter, the show's first host, that gave us the secret in his informative and entertaining book Backstage with the Original Hollywood Square [sic].

The system developed was both effective and ingenious and despite some complexity worked surprisingly well. The writers would come up with the questions and answers and then would get together with the program's co-creator Merrill Heatter and decide which star would get what question. Cards with the designated questions and answers were then placed in sequence beneath Peter's desk in bins labeled with each star's name. When a contestant picked a celebrity, Peter would pull out the star's question in the arranged order.

But here's the kicker. Although the celebrities were not given the actual questions or answers beforehand, they were given a numbered list with their joke answers. These could be easily concealed and so when Peter asked them their first question they'd simply look at Joke Answer #1 and quickly shoot off with a zinger.

And Peter? Although he did have the questions and answers, he did not know the joke answers - as was often clear from his reaction.

Not all of the stars asked for a list of joke answers. Joan Rivers, Mel Brooks, Don Rickles, and Wally Cox came up with their own. And of course, even those with the pre-prepared list always had the option to substitute an alternative.

Hollywood Squares was not filmed in Hollywood. Instead, when Peter was the host on the show from 1966 to 1980 it was produced in Hollywood's near neighbor, beautiful downtown Burbank. But Burbank Squares just isn't the same.

The show lasted a respectable 15 seasons. Then after NBC decided to cancel the show it went into syndication and was filmed in Las Vegas at the Riviera Hotel with the casino's management putting up the money.

In some ways the move to Vegas wasn't the most fun way to keep the show going. When produced by NBC the show had a dedicated studio for the duration of the filming. But in Vegas the set had to be constructed each day and disassembled every afternoon to make way for whatever act had been booked for the evening.

Also the Temptations of Vegas were great. The drinks flowed freely and the gaming tables were just a few steps away. Since each game had a negative expected payout, the stars stood to lose a good chunk of their rather generous salaries (that included Peter).

And they could lose their winnings even when away from the tables. Once Peter had been drinking at a bar into the wee hours with George Gobel. After George - who sometimes would play blackjack and hit on a 20 - went to bed, Peter went up to the roulette table. With odds between 5.26% to 7.89% against the player, roulette isn't the best game to gain fortune.

But that night Peter won $18,000. Still a bit befuddled by his time at the bar, rather than take the money to the cashier's cage for safekeeping, he took it back to his hotel room. He slept deeply - so deeply that he didn't hear the burglars that broke in and absconded with his winnings. Peter always believed it was an inside job but he couldn't prove it. And besides, there wasn't much he could do about it anyway. However, he did decide it might be best to give up drinking and he did.

The program went off the air the next year, to be replaced in 1983 by the rather odd hybrid program The Match Game-Hollywood Squares Hour where the Squares sequence was sandwiched in between two segments of The Match Game. The show lasted a single season. Then in 1986, the show was revised in the original stand-alone half-hour format with singer John Davidson as the host. This new Hollywood Squares was named (what else?) The New Hollywood Squares.

Of course as with all television and movie productions digital technology had moved in and the sets got flashier. Perhaps not coincidentally the prizes also got a bit chintzier. As before the winner was determined by who accumulated the most money from winning the most X's or O's. The loser also got to keep their winnings and both contestants kept any extra prizes from winning any "Secret Squares".

But on the original show the winner also got a new car which in 1968 cost about 50% of a typical family's income. True by 1986 and when adjusted for inflation, the cost of a car had risen about 7%. But with the rise of the two-income families, the "car-family income" percentage had dropped significantly to 27%.

But instead of the winner getting a car, the contestants were given the opportunity to win a new car. Once the winner was determined John would give them a choice of five cars. They were then handed a key in hopes it was the one to start their selection. Later when Tom Bergeron helmed the show (which officially starred his good friend Whoopi Goldberg), there was only one car but the winner was given a selection of keys and had to pick the right one. There were opportunities to improve their odds, but more often than not the contestant walked away sans voiture.

Sometimes things could get out of hand. In the original series, comedian Buddy Hackett would sometimes jump in with an improvised bluff answer even if the question was directed to someone else. It was annoying enough for the viewer much less for the other stars. Gilbert Gottfried (who voiced the parrot Iago in Walt Disney's Aladdin) kept with his loud and brash comic persona but at least he didn't step on the other stars' lines. But when Robin Williams appeared on the show hosted by Tom, he seemed on the verge of losing control.

But although the shows with John and Tom were entertaining enough, the relatively laid back original series must be considered the épitomé of game show precedence. You had the staple set of stars who made hundreds of appearances. Rose Marie was on for the duration of the show although Cliff Arquette (known better as Charley Weaver) made more actual appearances than anyone else. Rose was on the first show that was hosted by Bert Parks through the last show that was hosted by Peter. Wally Cox, Karen Valentine, and George Gobel were almost always in evidence. Among the semi-regulars were Abby Dalton, Jan Murray, Nanette Fabray, Elke Sommer, and Vincent Price.

Over the years virtually all the stars you can name made at least one appearance, although Peter had always wanted to - but never succeeded - in having Greta Garbo as a guest. But among those who did fill the squares included - and to skip this rather lengthy list, click here) - Jane Powell, Jack E. Leonard (blustering loud and smooth pated comedian), Steve Landesberg (intellectual Detective Arthur Dietrich on Barney Miller), Monty Hall (first and long time host of the wild and crazy game show Let's Make a Deal), Polly Bergen (singer, actress, and long time panelist on To Tell the Truth), Christopher George, Diana Rigg (English star of stage and film, Bond girl - and Bond's wife - in On Her Majesty's Secret Service, Lady Holiday, the sister of the villainous Nicky played by Charle Grodin who becomes infatuated with Miss Piggy in The Great Muppet Caper), Cliff Robertson (veteran actor who portrayed Lieutenant John Fitzgerald Kennedy in PT 109 and Uncle Ben Parker in Spider-Man), Robert Brown, Joyce Brothers (television personality and bonafide psychologist), Teri Garr (Inge in Young Frankenstein), Roger Miller (country singer with cross over hits like "Doo-Whacka-Doo", "England Swings", and "King of the Road" and Tony Award winning composer of Big River based on Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn), Maureen O'Hara (famous star of Hollywood's Golden Age and long time collaborator with John Wayne and John Ford), Kurt Russell (Wyatt Earp in Tombstone), Richard Crenna (Big Luke on The Real McCoys), Michael Constantine, Keir Dullea (astronaut David Bowman in 2001: A Space Odyssey and its forgettable sequel), Dionne Warwick (famous pop singer of "Do You Know the Way to San Jose?" and other hits), Martha Raye (flexible visaged comedian who once gave a triple face slap to the Three Stooges), Anne Meara, Michael Landon (Little Joe in Bonanaza), Richard Anderson, Melody Patterson, Ethel Merman (star of Annie Get Your Gun and whose singing prowess impressed Arturo Toscanini), Mac Davis (country and western singer and composer), Julie McWhirter, Trish Van Devere, Joel Grey (the creepy Host in the film and stage versions of Cabaret), E.G. Marshall (veteran attorney Lawrence Preston who defended clients with his son on The Defenders and Vladimir in the first Broadway production of Waiting for Godot), Desi Arnaz (husband of Lucy), Audrey Landers, Hope Lange, Robert Klein, Lynda Carter (Wonder Woman on television's Wonder Woman), Paul Stevens, Bob Eubanks (game show host), Jay Leno (stand up comedian and host of The Tonight Show after Johnny Carson), Sid Caesar (early television comedian and writer known for collaborations with Mel Brooks and who played the head of the studio in Silent Movie), Jim Backus (millionaire Thurston Howell on Gilligan's Island and the voice of Mr. Magoo), Marcia Wallace, Michael Callan, Ron Carey, Larry Hagman ("JR" on Dallas and earlier Captain - later Major - Tony Nelson on I Dream of Jeannie), Roger C. Carmel (con man Harvey Mudd on two Star Trek episodes), Pamela Mason (wife of British Actor James Mason), William Shatner (Captain James Tiberius Kirk on the original Star Trek), Tab Hunter (teen heart throb), Kaye Stevens, Lee Majors (the Bionic Man on The Bionic Man), Rod McKuen (popular poet and folk singer), Carol Wayne (Tea Time Movies lady with Johnny Carson), Cathy Lee Crosby, Glenn Ford (veteran leading man who was often joshed by the Squares stars as "Commander" Glenn Ford), Buck Owens (country singer, leader of Buck Owens and His Buckaroos and co-star with Roy Clark on Hee-Haw), Patricia Harty, Micky Dolenz (drummer of the Monkees and earlier the circus boy, Corky, on Circus Boy under the name Mickey Braddock), Gabe Kaplan, Gail Martin, Felicia Farr, David Letterman (acerbic host of Late Night with David Letterman), Marty Feldman (bug eyed English comedian who played Igor - that's EYE-gor - in Young Frankenstein and who co-starred with Mel Brooks, Dom Deluise, and Sid Caesar in the cinematic masterpiece Silent Movie), Susan Flannery, Redd Foxx (Fred Sanford on Sanford and Son), Cleveland Amory (television critic who actually praised The Flying Nun), Barbara Eden (the genie Jeannie on I Dream of Jeannie), Britt Ekland, Joey Bishop (sad faced and often seemingly befuddled member of the Rat Pack), Alex Trebek (long time host of Jeopardy!), Dirk Benedict, Shelley Berman, Jack Soo (Detective Nick Yamana the maker of horrible coffee on Barney Miller), Edward Mulhare, Bobby Goldsboro (pop idol and singer of the 50's and 60's), Bernie Kopell (Secret Kaos Agent Siegfried on Get Smart and Doctor Adam Bricker on Love Boat), Shelley Winters (long time character actor in movies as varied as A Patch of Blue, The Poseidon Adventure, and Bloody Mama which also featured an early screen appearance of Robert De Niro), Bert Parks (long time Miss America emcee and host of the pilot show of Hollywood Squares), Jayne Meadows (actress, sister of Audrey Meadows, and wife of Steve Allen), Beau Bridges (prolific star of movies such as Village of the Gaints and Swashbucklers), Ed McMahon (announcer and sidekick of Johnny Carson on Who Do You Trust and later The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson), Julie London, Jack Palance (tough guy actor who played the bad guy Jack Wilson in Shane and Fidel Castro in Che!), Mackenzie Phillips, Kent McCord (Officer Jim Reed on Adam-12), Edie Adams, Fabian (teenage heart-throb pop singer whose last name was Forte), Lory Walsh, Dom DeLuise (comedian and co-star with Mel Brooks in Silent Movie), Graham Chapman (of Monty Python), Rosemary Forsyth, Diahann Carroll (first African American to have her own television show), Richard Kiel (Voltaire, the humongous assistant to the evil Dr. Miguelito Loveless on The Wild Wild West and the villain "Jaws" in the James Bond film The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker), Tennessee Ernie Ford (the old pea picker and singer of the hit "Sixteen Tons"), Greg Morris (Barney Collier, the technical whiz on Mission Impossible), Leslie Uggams (singing star who was one of the first African American performers to be regularly featured on nationwide television when she appeared on Sing Along with Mitch) , Dale Robertson, Jerry Vale, Tammy Wynette (famed country singer who often sang with George Jones), Ned Beatty (versatile character actor in movies like All the President's Men, Silver Streak, and Deliverance), Pamela Rodgers, Dolly Parton (iconic country singer and star of films and television), Jerry Stiller, Ricardo Montalban (prolific and versatile Mexican-American actor who starred in Fantasy Island - "The Plane! The Plane!" - as well as two Planet of the Apes films, and was the evil villain Khan Noonien Singh in the original Star Trek episode "Space Seed" and later in the movie The Wrath of Kahn), George Carlin (political and social comedian who once said the seven words that at one time you couldn't say on the radio), John Huston (director, screenwriter, occasional actor, known for famous films like Moby Dick, The Maltese Falcon, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, The Red Badge of Courage, The Asphalt Jungle, The African Queen, The Misfits, The Man Who Would Be King), Fran Tarkenton (long time quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings), Gary Burghoff (Radar O'Reilly on Mash), Jill St. John (Bond girl Tiffany Case in the film Diamonds Are Forever, Ann Archer in Tony Rome, and sometime evening out companion of Henry Kissinger), Roy Rogers (famed film and television cowboy and under his real name Leonard Slye a founding member of the smooth singing cowboy group Sons of the Pioneers), Martin Landau (master of disguise Rolin Hand on Mission Impossible), Dick Shawn, Beverlee McKinsey, Juliet Prowse, Roger Smith, Robert Keeshan (Captain Kangaroo, of course), Ross Martin (Artemus Gordon in The Wild Wild West), Peggy Lennon, Dick Gautier (Hymie the Robot from Get Smart), Joanne Dru (sister of - yes - Peter Marshall), Rona Barrett (famed gossip columnist), Alex Cord, James MacArthur (well-known character actor who played Detective Sergeant Danny "Danno" Williams on the original Hawaii Five-0 and real life son of legendary lady of the stage Helen Hayes), Agnes Moorehead (Samantha's mother, Endora, on Bewitched), Melissa Sue Anderson, Flip Wilson (African American comedian), Danny Thomas, Robert Clary (Corporal Louis LeBeau from Hogan's Heroes), Elizabeth Montgomery (Samantha on Bewitched whose Uncle Arthur was played by Paul Lynde), Susan Blanchard, Dick Van Dyke (Rob Petrie in The Dick Van Dyke Show and Bert the chimney sweep in the film Mary Poppins and who possessed possibly the worst Cockney accent ever attempted by an American), Eddie Albert (city-slicker Oliver Wendell Douglas turned farmer on Green Acres), The Monkees (drummer Mickey Dolenz, singer Davy Jones, and guitarist Michael Nesmith were together in one square but the fourth member of the group, bass guitarist Peter Tork, was not present), Lucie Arnaz (daughter of Lucy and Desi), Patty Duke (dual role star as look-alike cousins on The Patty Duke Show), Jack Webb (Detective Seargeant Joe Friday on Dragnet), Pat Henry, John Ritter (one-third of Three's Company cast and son of legendary country swing star Tex Ritter), William Christopher, James Darren, Irene Ryan (Granny on The Beverly Hillbillies), Tiny Tim (falsetto singing performer of "Tiptoe Through the Tulips", born Herbert Khaury and specialist in early 20th century American poplar music and who was married to Miss Vicki Budinger on The Tonight Show episode that was one of the most watched television programs in history), France Nuyen (French star of stage, film, and television and appeared as Elaan in the original Star Trek episode "Elaan of Troyius"), Vic Tayback (diner owner Mel Sharples on Alice, the blustering Goldie in The Big Bus, and gangster Jojo Krako on the classic original Star Trek episode "A Piece of the Action"), Eartha Kitt (popular singer and Cat Woman on television's Batman), Robert Cummings (familiar face on television and star of The Bob Cummings Show), Fred Willard, Louise Fletcher, Gary Mule Deer, Betty Buckley, James Coco, Sherry Mathis, Tim Conway (bumbling but well-intentioned Ensign Charles Parker on McCales Navy, co-star and often foil of Harvey Korman on The Carol Burnett Show, and the short statured multi-sport fan and participant Dorf on the Dorf series of videos), Dorothy Lamour (co-star with Bob Hope and Bing Crosby on the famous "Road Films"), Barbara Mandrell (popular contry singer), Garry Moore (comedian and host of The Gary Moore Show, I've Got a Secret, and the second incarnation of To Tell the Truth), Jennifer Salt, Lyle Waggoner, Erin Moran, Victor Buono (versatile character actor who played the evil King Tut on television's Batman and was the evil Wing Fat/Juan Manolo on the pilot episode of The Wild Wild West), Rosanna Arquette (BAFTA Award winning actress and granddaughter of Cliff "Charley Weaver" Arquette), Linda Gray, Fannie Flagg (country comedian), Annette Funicello (former Mouseketeers, star of Disney movies, and of beach party movies with Frankie Avalon), Meadowlark Lemon (chief comedian of the original Harlem Globetrotters), Susan Sullivan, Zsa Zsa Gabor ("Dahling!"), Tom Poston (stage and screen actor, long time panelist on To Tell the Truth, Professor Jonathan Jones in Zotz!, and George Utley on Newhart), Marion Ross, John Forsythe (Bentley Gregg, the "bachelor father" - actually the uncle - on Bachelor father, detective Alvin Dewey in the 1967 film In Cold Blood, and the voice of the never seen Charlie Townsend on Charlie's Angels), Vikki Carr, Paul Williams (composer and musician who played the son of Miguelito Loveless on Wild Wild West Revisited), Barbara Feldon (Agent 99 on Get Smart), Susan Strasberg, Imogene Coca (comedian of stage, movies, and television with a career spanning 70 years), Robert Morse (star of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying on Broadway and the cinema), Meredith MacRae, Frankie Laine (famous popular singer of the 1950's that the parents liked), Glen Campbell (country/pop singer with mega-hits like "Gentle on My Mind", "Galveston", "By the Time I Get to Phoenix", "Wichita Lineman", and "Rhinestone Cowboy" and the host of The Glen Campbell Goodtime Hour), Charles Nelson Reilly (comedian of stage, screen, and television who because he lived close to the Burbank television studios could always be relied on to stand in for a no-show on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson), Jonathan Winters (comedian of multiple characters), Ed Ames (actor and singer who made the famous "tomahawk throw" on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson), Caroll Spinney (Big Bird/Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street), Doc Severinsen (virtuoso trumpet player and leader of the Tonight Show band when hosted by Johnny Carson), Jean Stapleton (Edith Bunker on All in the Family), Mike Douglas (singer and host of the talk show The Mike Douglas Show), Jack Carter, Peter Falk (Inspector Columbo on Columbo), Gene Barry (Bat Masterson on Bat Masterson and publishing magnate Glenn Howard on The Name of the Game), Audrey Peters, June Lockhart (Ruth Martin, Timmy's mother on Lassie and Dr. Maureen Robinson on Lost in Space), Pam Grier, Florence Henderson, Donny Osmond (early famous as one of the singing Osmand Family and then co-star with sister Marie), Wolfman Jack, Pamela Sue Martin, Gypsy Rose Lee (famous ecdysiast), Amanda Blake (dance hall girl Miss Kitty on Gunsmoke), Abe Vigoda (Salvatore Tessio in The Godfather films and Detective Phil Fish on Barney Miller and Fish), George Lindsey (Goober, the replacement for Jim Nabors on the Andy Griffith Show), Richard Lewis, Rita Moreno, David O'Brien, Carol Channing (bright eyed singer in Hello, Dolly!), Susan Stafford, Robert Reed (movie critic and occasional actor), George Kennedy, Anne Baxter (Annie Sullivan in the stage and film productions of The Miracle Worker and Mrs. Robinson in The Graduate and the real life wife of Mel Brooks), John Byner (master impressionist), Dwayne Hickman (Dobie Gillis on The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis), Tina Cole, Leonard Nimoy (Mr. Spock in the original Star Trek series and films), Frank Fontaine, Seals and Crofts (folk rock duo of James Seals and Darrel Crofts), Peter Lawford (actor and relative-by-marriage of the Kennedy family), Sue Lyon, Barbara Hewitt, Michele Lee, Diane Baker, Shecky Greene, Judith McConnell, Virginia Graham, Jo Anne Worley (comedian with the loud laugh from Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In), Phyllis Diller (brash frizzy haired comedian and wife of "Fang"), Ellen Corby (the grandmother on The Waltons), Valerie Harper, Barbara Rush, Anthony Franciosa (actor who played investigative journalist Jeff Dillon along with Robert Stack and Gene Barry on The Name of the Game), Janis Paige, Wendy Phillips, Melissa Gilbert (starred as Laura Ingalls Wilder on the Little House on the Prairie), Alejandro Rey, Bobby Rydell, Max Baer Jr. (Jethro Bodine on The Beverly Hillbillies and the homicidal sheriff Reed Morgan in Macon County Line), Pete Henderson, Milton Berle, Martin Milner (Officer Pete Malloy on Adam-12), Connie Hines, Louis Nye, Howard Duff, Richard Mulligan, Douglas Fairbanks Jr., Jim Davis, Dinah Shore (singer and television host of The Dinah Shore Show and by default pitch-lady for Chevrolet), Ann Miller, Will Hutchins, Victor Borge (Danish classical piano playing comedian), Melissa Michaelsen, Barbara Rhoades, Nancy Wilson, Ted Lange, Vincent Baggetta, Lainie Kazan, Randi Oakes, Grant Goodeve, John Saxon, George Miller, Sara Lane, Gil Gerard, Renn Woods, Donna Fargo, Irene Dailey, Kelly Wood, Gene Hackman (Buck Barrow on the 1967 movie Bonnie and Clyde), Marvin Hamlisch (composer of A Chorus Line), Alice Cooper (wild and crazy male rock star), Hugh Marlowe, Mary Crosby, Hermione Gingold, Jim Stafford, Bill Saluga, Stefanie Powers, Eve Plumb, Rhonda Bates, Denise Alexander, Freddie Prinze (Chico on Chico and the Man), Pat Collins, Vera Miles (long time actress in films like The FBI Story and starred as Marian Crane's sister in Psycho), George Hamilton, Gavin MacLeod, Vicki Lawrence, Dean Jones (star of Disney movies including The Love Bug and That Darn Cat!), Rue McClanahan, Robert Walden, Sam Melville, Bob Hope (iconic comic famous for the "Road Films" with his friend Bing Crosby), Demond Wilson (Lamont, the son on Sanford and Son), Susan Seaforth Hayes, John Schuck, Stephen Yates, Art Fleming (original host of Jeopardy!), William Reynolds, Phil Silvers (Seargeant Ernest G. Bilko on You'll Never Get Rich/Seargeant Bilko/The Phil Silvers Show), Tige Andrews, Roger Barkley, Susan Keith, Ron Harper, Dick Enberg, Donald O'Connor, Stephanie Edwards, Hermione Baddeley, James Gregory (prolific character actor who played President Ulysses S. Grant on The Wild Wild West pilot show and Inspector Luger on Barney Miller), Squire Fridell, Luciana Paluzzi, Nancy Sinatra (singer of the hits These Boots Are Made for Walking and duets Summerwine with Lee Hazelwood and Something Stupid with father Frank), Liz Torres, Valerie Bertinelli, Bobby Vinton, Janet Leigh (Marian Crane, the shower victim of Norman Bates in Psycho), Andrew Stevens, Mickey Rooney (short statured comedian of the Andy Hardy series and other movies), Hal Smith, Roy Clark (multi-instrumentalist country musician and co-star of Hee-Haw with Buck Owens), Kathryn Hays, Fred Clark, Juliet Mills, Lynn Swann, Maureen Stapleton, Mary Stuart, Julius LaRosa, Michael Nesmith (guitarist of the Monkees), Bernadette Peters, Hal Linden (Captain Barney Miller on Barney Miller), Billy Hinsche, Jayne Kennedy, Nick Bockwinkel, Jeb Stuart Adams, Mel Tillis (country singing star and father of country singing star Pam Tillis), Henry Corden, Frank Sinatra Jr. (son of The Voice who also had a Voice), Robert Hays, Lorne Greene (ranching patriarch Ben Cartwright and father of Adam, Hoss, and Little Joe on Bonzanza), Bob Dishy, George Kirby, Desi Arnaz Jr. (son of Lucy and Desi), Betty Ellen, Denise Nicholas, Susan Anton, Debbie Reynolds (star with Gene Kelly on Singing in the Rain, wife of Eddie Fisher, and mother of Carrie Fisher), Dan Seals (brother of James Seals of Seals and Crofts), Red Buttons (comedy film star in Hatari! with John Wayne and who beat out Marlon Brando for an Oscar on Sayonara), Natalie Schafer (Mrs. Thurston "Luvvie" Howard on Gilligan's Island and mystery writer Beatrice Graves the aunt of money grubbing and evil Paul played by William Shatner on the Thriller television episode The Grim Reaper), Deborah Walley, Janet Blair, Henry Gibson (short statured comedian on Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In), Billy Braver, Tony Martin, Franc Luz, Patrick Wayne (son of John Wayne and Sinbad in Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger), Lou Rawls (Grammy winning popular singer with hits like "Dead End Street"), Wayland Flowers, David Steinberg, Robert Q. Lewis (bespectacled comedian and oft times panelist on What's My Line), Burt Reynolds (star of films Smokey and the Bandit and Deliverence and who played himself in Mel Brooks's Silent Movie), Vince Edwards (the idealistic but grumpy physician Ben Casey on Ben Casey), Bob Crane (Colonel Robert Hogan on Hogan's Heroes), Andrea Hall, Lesley Ann Warren, Judith Anne Ford, Dick Sargent (the second Darin, husband of Samantha on Bewitched), Debra Clinger, Hugh O'Brian (television's brave, courageous, and bold Wyatt Earp), Heather North, Nancy Walker, Eve Arden, Lani O'Grady, Jessica Walter, Marty Brill, Tessie O'Shea, Buddy Hackett (brash and rotund comedian), Jack Klugman, Scott Baio, Loretta Swit (Major Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan on television's MASH), Cheryl Miller, Patti Page (singer of both country and popular hits), James Brolin, Fred Berry, Larry Storch (conniving Corporal Randolph Agarn on F Troop), Paul Winchell (ventriloquist, voice actor, and medical technician with a patent for an artificial heart), Victoria Principal, Max Gail (Detective Stan "Wojo" Wojciehowicz on Barney Miller), Mel Brooks (master comedy writer and author/actor of Blazing Saddles and Silent Movie), Stella Stevens, Richard Dimitri, David Groh, Lorna Luft, Laraine Day, Senta Berger, Joanie Sommers, Susannah York (Laura, Superman's mother on Superman starring Christopher Reeve), Adam Arkin, Brenda Benet, Barbara Anderson, Ernest Borgnine (famous for his role as Marty in Marty and Commander Quinton McHale in McHale's Navy), Frankie Avalon (teen idol and star with Annette Funicello on the beach party movies), Theresa Merritt, George Jones (country singer who often performed with Tammy Wynette), Shelley Fabares, Jack Kelly, Terry-Thomas, Bill Skiles, Barbara McNair, Bob Denver (beatnik Maynard G. Krebs - the "G" stands for "Walter" - on The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis and Gilligan on Gilligan's Island), Lily Tomlin (comedian who started off Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In, Maureen Arthur, Steve Rossi (one half of Allen and Rossi), Marty Allen (the other half), Jay North (Dennis Mitchell on television's Dennis the Menace), Candy Clark, Vincent Van Patten, Johnny Yune, Tony Roberts, Margaret Truman (singer and daughter of - well, can't remember his name), Donna Pescow, Shelley Smith, Richard Guthrie, Adam West (Batman/Bruce Wayne on the TV series Batman), Robert Hegyes, Judy Canova, Don Rickles, Debra Dene Barnes, Tina Sinatra, Robert Guillaume, Nancy Kulp (the prim and proper Miss Jane Hathaway, the secretary to banker Milburn Drysdale on The Beverly Hillbillies), Jim Nabors (Gomer Pyle on The Andy Griffith Show and Gomer Pyle), Jack Cassidy, Cesar Romero (suave and elegant Latino star and the Joker on the television series Batman), June Carter Cash (iconic country singer, daughter of Mother Maybelle Carter, and wife of Johnny Cash), Robert Goulet, Ozzie Nelson (patriarch of the Nelson family on Ozzie and Harriet), Wilt Chamberlain (probably the most famous basketball star ever and to date the only full professional player to reach 100 points in a game), LeVar Burton (Geordi La Forge on Star Trek: The Next Generation), Cornel Wilde, Michael Cole, Kevin McCarthy, Pearl Bailey (veteran singer and star of the all-black cast of Hello, Dolly!), Dean Paul Martin (singer and actor and son of Dean Martin), Pat Poole, Dick Patterson, Jeannie C. Riley (country singer with the hit "Harper Valley PTA"), Steve Allen (comedian, composer, and original host of The Tonight Show), Howard Morris, Jackie Mason (stone faced comedian who decided to leave Hollywood Squares and so led the way for Paul Lynde to emerge as the real center square), Gisele MacKenzie, Suzanne Pleshette (Jim West's love interest and adversary on the pilot of The Wild Wild West, "The Night of the Inferno"), Mort Sahl (early television political comedian), Judy Landers, Norman Fell, Kathy Garver, Groucho Marx (yes, Groucho!), Pat Harrington Jr., Roger Moore (the 2nd James Bond following Sean Connery), Ginger Rogers (movie star and dancer from the Golden Age of Hollywood who sometimes partnered with Fred Astaire), Sue Ane Langdon, David Hartman, Alan Sues, Bill Hudson, George C. Scott (gravel voiced actor who portrayed the famous American general with a high pitched voice), Tom Bosley (Richie's dad on Happy Days), Tim Reid, Todd Bridges, William Conrad (private detective Frank Cannon on Cannon), John McCook, Anjelica Huston (Morticia in the Adams Family films and daughter of director John Huston), Foster Brooks (comedian and impersonator of drunks), Doris Roberts, Shawn Stevens, Loretta Lynn (famous country singer often dueting with Conway Twitty), Belinda Montgomery, Arthur Treacher, Jill Ireland, Bonnie Franklin (star of One Day at a Time, Charlie Callas (flexible and craggy faced comedian), Vic Braden, Rick Podell, Cliff Potts, Kristy McNichol, Allan Sherman (singing comedian most famous for the forgettable "Camp Granada"), Kate Jackson (Charlie's angel Sabrina Duncan on Charlie's Angels), Dennis Cooney, Michael Dunn (Jim West's recurrent and formidable and intellectual but physicially diminutive foil Miguelito Quixote Loveless on The Wild, Wild West), Peter Haskell, Will Geer (Broadway Shakespearean actor, friend of Woody Guthrie, and the grandfather on The Waltons), Beth Howland, Don Knotts (Deputy Barney Fife on The Andy Griffith Show), Jimmie 'JJ' Walker ("Dyn-o-MITE!"), Ken Howard (Opie Taylor on The Andy Griffith Show, Richie Cunningham on Happy Days, and Steve Bolander in the early George Lucas film American Grafitti) who later went into another line of work), Earl Holliman (star of the first Twilight Zone episode and Sergeant Bill Crowley on Police Woman starring Angie Dickinson), Arthur Godfrey (early radio star who made the transition to television), Billy Crystal (once young but now veteran comedian), Cathy Rigby (Olympic gymnast), Joanna Cassidy, Audrey Meadows, Lynn Redgrave (of the famous English acting family), Sharon Farrell, Charlotte Rae, Deidre Hall, Brenda Vaccaro, Roddy McDowall (child star who made the tradition to adulthood celebrity and who appeared in films like Planet of the Apes, That Darn Cat!, The Posieden Adventure, and Shock Treatment), Michael Learned, Frankie Valli (counter tenor lead singer of The Four Seasons), Tony Randall (sardonic reporter E. K. Hornbeck in the original Broadway production of Inherit the Wind and Felix Unger on the television series The Odd Couple), Tracey E. Bregman, Elena Verdugo, Kevin Dobson, Karen Grassle, Dick Smothers (the "smart" younger brother of The Smothers Brothers comedy folk singin duo), Sally Ann Howes, Shirley Hemphill, Vic Dana, Hervé Villechaize, Joan Bennett, Joyce Haber, Rodney Dangerfield (comedian who actually got a lot of respect), Jackie Gayle, Barbara Bain (Cinnamon Carter on Mission Impossible), Jacqueline Susann, Ruth Buzzi (the "old lady" on Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In), Vivian Vance (Ethyl Mertz in I Love Lucy), Linda Lavin (Alice in Alice), Debbie Allen, Sandy Baron, Caren Kaye, Cher (no introduction needed), Don Adams (bumbling but effective secret agent Maxwell Smart on Get Smart), Skip Stephenson, Ann Elder, Sonny Bono, Linda Henning, Sally Field (Sister Bertrille, the Flying Nun on The Flying Nun), Ed Bluestone, Phil Ford, Jamie Lee Curtis, Priscilla Barnes, Richard Roundtree (Shaft in Shaft), Phyllis George, Ron Tomme, Marilyn Sokol, Merv Griffin (singer, television host, and producer and creator of Jeopardy!), James Farentino, Gene Rayburn (long time host of The Match Game), Frank Gorshin (impressionist and the Riddler in television's Batman), Mike Evans, Diana Dors, Marie Osmond (one half of Donnie and Marie), Lola Albright, Tom Dreesen, Joan Van Ark, Ed Platt (the harried Chief on Get Smart), Dan Haggerty, Johnny Mathis, Hugh Downs (TV host of The Today Show and original emcee on the game show Concentration), Della Reese, Burt Ward (Robin/Dick Grayson on television's Batman), Josh Taylor, Jack Albertson, Whitman Mayo (Grady on Sanford and Son), Dick Van Patten, Wayne Rogers, Totie Fields (comedian who held her on with Redd Foxx), Melinda Naud, Brian Kelly, Paul Regina, Brianne Leary, Betty White (actress, comedian, wife of Password Host Alan Ludden, and who was cited in The Guiness Book of World Records as having the longest television career), Steve Martin, Bill Daily, Harriet Nelson, Lee Meriwether, Raymond St. Jacques, Albert Brooks, Roz Kelly, Ja'net DuBois (not a misprint), Vic Damone, Fernando Lamas, Betty Grable (glamorous star and favorite pin-up girl of World War II GI's), Patrick Macnee, Richard Sanders, Sheila MacRae (Alice Kramden on the revised Honeymooners), Kelly Monteith, Tom Kennedy, Brenda Lee, Andy Kaufman, Jeremy Clyde (of the English folk rock duo Chad and Jeremy), Jack Jones, Patricia Barnstable, Joe Santos, Earl Wilson, Edward Asner (Lou Grant on the Mary Tyler Moore Show and Lou Grant), Anson Williams, Marsha Mason, Rod Arrants, Johnny Brown, Pamela Hensley, Joseph Campanella, Al Lohman, Ann B. Davis, Petula Clark (singer with the mega-hit "Downtown"), Janet Guthrie, Van Johnson (Lieutenant Steve Maryk, the reluctant opponent of Captain Queeg in The Caine Mutiny), Christopher Connelly, Alan King (brash talking actor, comedian, and author), Connie Stevens, Jim Seals (of the folk rock duo Seals and Crofts), Al Martino (singer and Johnny Fontane in The Godfather), Adam Rich, Susan George, Tanya Tucker (country singer), Joanna Pettet, Dennis Weaver (Chester Goode on Gunsmoke and Detective Sam McCloud on McCloud), Carol Lynley, Werner Klemperer (Colonel Wilhelm Klink on Hogan's Heroes), George Sanders, Don Most, Ted Knight (Ted Baxter in The Mary Tyler Moore Show), Tina Turner (mega-star R&B singer), Loni Anderson (the beautiful and intelligent receptionist on WKRP), Mike Connors (private investigator Joe Mannix on Mannix), Jim Brown, Robert Vaughn (Napoleon Solo on The Man from Uncle), Jamie Farr, Marcia Lewis, Brenda Dickson, Soupy Sales (famous pie-in-the-face comedian), Gladys Knight (singer who stated out with the Pips), Davy Jones (lead singer of the Monkees), Alice Ghostley, June Allyson, Sammy Davis Jr. (singing and dancing icon and Sportin' Life in the film version of Porgy and Bess), Gwynne Gilford, Jimmy Dean (country singer with the hit "Big Bad John", Daniel Boone's sidekick Josh Clements in Daniel Boone, billionaire Willard Whyte in the James Bond film Diamonds Are Forever, host of The Jimmy Dean Show, and now known mostly to millions throughout out America as the sausage king), Pia Zadora, Joe Flynn (the harried Captain Wallace Binghamton on McHale's Navy), Judy Carne (diminutive "sock-it-to-me" girl on Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In), Fred Gwynne (Officer Francis Muldoon on Car 54, Where Are You?, Herman Munster on The Munsters, and Big Daddy Pollitt in the 1974 Broadway revival of Cat On a Hot Tin Roof), Minnie Pearl (country comedian with her famous "How-DEE!" greeting), Marie Masters, Ron Glass (Detective and later mystery writer Ron Harris on Barney Miller), William Smith, Pat Klous, Herschel Bernardi, Billy Davis Jr., Sally Struthers, Suzanne Somers, Mamie Van Doren, Cass Elliot (singer originally in the pop quartet The Mamas and the Papas), Ken Kercheval, Ruta Lee, George Jessel (the Toastmaster General), Dianne Lennon, Susan Richardson, Karen Jensen, Shari Lewis, Bill Macy, Gloria Swanson (iconic film star who played Norma Desmond a former iconic film star in Sunset Boulevard), Norm Crosby, Angela Cartwright, David Hedison, Peter Kastner, Art Linkletter, Char Fontane, Anne Lockhart, Dennis James (announcer, game show host, and pitchman of commercials), Abbe Lane, Ron Ely (Tarzan on the television show Tarzan), James Drury, David Brenner (comedian), Robert Conrad (Jim West on The Wild Wild West and Pappy Boyington on Black Sheep Squadron), Roger Peltz, Harry Wayne Casey, Elayne Boosler, Carl Reiner (comedy writer, Allan Brady on The Dick Van Dyke Show, and the interviewer of The 2000 Year Old Man with Mel Brooks), Noel Harrison, Lohman and Barkley, Anthony Newley (composer and singer), Dana Wynter, Ken Berry (the clueless Captain Wilton Parmenter on F Troop), Paul Anka, Shirley Jones (the mom on The Partridge Family and Laurey in the film version of Oklahoma), John Amos, Patti Deutsch, Abigail Van Buren (writer of the iconic Dear Abby advice column), Rip Taylor, Ellen Travolta, Connie Francis (pop singer of the Fabulous Fifties), Mary Kay Place, Charo (exhuberant Latina singer and flamenco guitarist), Linda Strother, Joey Heatherton, Gordon Jump, Tony Danza, Bobby Sherman, Carol Lawrence, Stanley Myron Handelman, Lloyd Haynes, Eva Gabor (Lisa Douglas on Green Acres), Katherine Glass, Mike Farrell, Tim Matheson, Kay Medford, Janet Lennon, Martin Mull, Lee Grant, Gig Young, Patrick Duffy, Linda Cristal, Lynda Day George, Brett Hudson, Arlene Golonka, Gale Gordon, Harry Guardino, Nick Adams (Confederate veteran Johnny Yuma on The Rebel), Sandra Dee, Jimmy Brogan, Dennis Cole, Rich Little (master impressionist who would sometimes occupy multiple squares), Mel Carter, James Franciscus (Mr. Novak on Mr. Novak), Peter Isacksen, McLean Stevenson (Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake in televisions MASH), Bert Lahr (the Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz and Estragon in the Broadway production of Waiting for Godot), Cyd Charisse, Tom Wopat, Bill Cullen (original host on The Price is Right), Martha Smith, David L. Lander, Lynn Anderson, Sebastian Cabot (Pip on the Twilight Zone episode "A Nice Place to Visit" and valet Mr. Giles French on Family Affair), Godfrey Cambridge (African American comedian who played a dual role in Watermelon Man where a white racist wakes up one morning as a black man), Dottie West, Chad Everett (one half of the English folk rock duo Chad and Jeremy), Christine Jones, Rob Reiner (Archie Bunker's son-in-law Mike Stivic - often dubbed "Meathead" by Archie - on All in the Family and the real-life son of Carl Reiner), David Birney, Larry Linville (Frank Burns on television's MASH), Mark Spitz (Olympic gold medalist swimmer), and Mariette Hartley. (To return to the beginning of the list, click here.)

But the real star everyone remembers was Paul Lynde. By the mid-Sixties Paul was an established character actor but was not yet a big name. He had played the father in the Broadway run of Bye Bye Birdie and was occasionally seen on the television series Bewitched as Arthur, the uncle of Samantha (Elizabeth Montgomery).

Paul had been on the Squares occasionally since the first season, but wasn't yet a regular. But then on one sequence of programs Jackie Mason, one of the nation's top comics, was a guest and placed in the middle square. But after five performances Jackie decided he had enough of the show and refused to return for the next day's taping. Les Roberts, the producer, had to scramble and found that Paul was available. On the following shows Paul was so funny that he became a regular and usually, but not always, appeared in the center square.

Ultimately Paul won an Emmy for his time on Squares and when anyone thinks of the original show they immediately think of Paul. You could write a book about the Hollywood Squares repartee and one writer did. And out of all the zingers compiled, nearly 50% were those delivered by Paul.

Some of Paul's classics are:

Peter Marshall:	Paul, where will you find staccato and legato?
Paul:	The police are dragging Lake Michigan right now.1 x Footnote Both are musical terms. Staccato means notes are of shorter duration than marked and are distinctly separated from the preceding and following notes for a detached crisp sound. Legato means the notes are played with their full duration for a smooth and connected line. Close Footnote
Peter:	Out of every 10 people, Paul, who are audited by the Internal Revenue Service, how many end up paying more taxes?
Paul:	Eleven.2 x Footnote Seven. Close Footnote
Peter:	Paul, historians say that King Henry the Eighth had Anne Boleyn beheaded because she couldn't do one particular thing. What?
Paul:	Convince Henry the Eighth he was Henry the First.4 x Footnote Give birth to a son and heir to the throne. Close Footnote
Peter:	Paul, true or false. Right this very minute you are being watched by something on the moon.
Paul:	Well, where was it when I had my series?
Peter:	Both of them.
Paul:	Yeah, oh, that's right, rub it in.5 x Footnote False, there is nothing on the Moon that watches the Earth. With his popularity on Hollywood Squares, Paul was given his own series called The Paul Lynde Show in 1972. The program was a fairly typical sitcom about the trials and tribulations of an American family. It was poorly received and lasted only one season. Paul was later given the lead role for the third (and last) season of a medical comedy series Temperatures Rising, retitled when Paul came on board as The New Temperatures Rising after the original lead, James Whitmore, left. The New Temperatures Rising also had poor ratings and lasted only a year. Close Footnote
Peter:	Paul, true or false. There is a new bra on the market that squeaks in various musical tones.
Paul [singing]:	The hills are alive....!6 x Footnote True. Close Footnote
Peter:	Traditionally Pope Paul, Pope Paul does not have a big birthday to-do. He doesn't. But he does get something special on his birthday. What?
Paul (addressing the show's announcer):	Kenny Williams, tell Pope Paul what he's getting for his birthday!7 x Footnote A birthday cake made by the nuns who prepare his meals. Close Footnote
Peter:	Paul, at what famous place in America will you find couples strolling arm in arm along Flirtation Walk and smooching at a place called Kissing Rock?
Paul:	Oh, Leavenworth.8 x Footnote The United States Military Academy at West Point. Close Footnote
Peter:	Paul, true or false. Scientists say that a small child will believe the story that the stork brought him easier than he will how it really happened.
Paul (looking worried):	What do you mean "really happened"?9 x Footnote True. Close Footnote
Peter:	Paul, Nancy Sinatra says that her year-and-a-half old daughter, Angela, is already doing something that Grandpa Frank Sinatra is famous for. What?
Paul:	Oh, she threw her diaper at a reporter.10 x Footnote Singing. Close Footnote
Peter:	Paul, true or false. There are no cemeteries in Miami Beach.
Paul:	No, they just seal up the door of your condominium - and if you're rich they'll leave a maid in there with you.11 x Footnote True. There are no cemeteries in Miami Beach. Close Footnote
Peter:	Now listen carefully, Paul. During the time of the hula hoop, yo-yos, and Davy Crockett hats, who was in the White House?
Paul:	Oh, I'll say the yo-yo.12 x Footnote Dwight Eisenhower. Close Footnote
Peter:	Paul, true or false. Your teeth are about the same size and shape as a pig's.
Paul:	Look who's talking, beaver face!13 x Footnote True. (Peter had a pronounced and noticeable overbite.) Close Footnote
Peter:	True or false, Paul. There are more psychiatrists in Beverly Hills than plumbers.
Paul:	When my toilet backs up I don't care who fixes it.14 x Footnote True. Close Footnote

And of course, there' Paul's zingiest of his zingers:

Peter:	Say, Paul, when is it a good idea to put your pantyhose in the microwave oven for about two minutes?
Paul:	When your house is surrounded by the police.15 x Footnote When you want to dry them out. Close Footnote

References and Further Reading

"Paul Lynde", Variety, March 3, 1991.

Zingers from Hollywood Squares, Gail Sicilia (Complier and Editor), Popular Library, 1974.

More Zingers from Hollywood Squares, Gail Sicilia (Complier and Editor), Popular Library, 1978.

Backstage With the Original Hollywood Square, Peter Marshall, and Adrienne Armstrong, Rutledge Hill Press, 2002.

"Hollywood Squares: Was Paul Lynde Contractually Guaranteed to be Center Square?", Brian Cronin, Comic Books Resources, July 28, 2022.

Hollywood Squares, Peter Marshall (host), Heatter-Quigley Productions, 1966 - 1981.

Return to CooperToons Caricatures

Return to CooperToons Homepage